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America faces an important decision: who should be our next president?  We need a new kind of leader. Not an insider who’ll give us the same stuff we’ve always gotten. But what kind of qualifications do the American people truly care about? What do we truly need? We have determined the best candidate for each of the most important presidential qualifications.

MOST LIKELY TO NUKE SOMEONE:

Donald Trump

We all know Trump isn’t afraid of anything, especially foreigners. In fact, he’s so fearless that he’s willing to use the big guns on them.

MOST LIKELY TO USE MEN IN BLACK:

Marco Rubio

Rubio is tough on terrorists. He likes the National Security Agency. Need I say more?

Most likely to fire everyone:

Rand Paul

He’s a libertarian. That means he thinks everything the government does is unconstitutional. The solution? Fire everyone!

Best hair:

Ted Cruz

Cruz isn’t going for hipster disheveled like Bernie Sanders or super curly like Rand Paul. He’s sporting a perfectly normal haircut plus a little style on the front. Perfect for a president.

Best dressed:

Hillary Clinton

When it comes to fashion, who can deny Clinton’s pantsuits are sublime? No boring suits for her.

Looks best in the American Gothic:

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders

Sanders is an old white guy like most in the field, but his imperfect teeth and hair make him best suited to be an average farmer. Clinton, being the only female running in the Democratic Party, makes the best match.

Most likely to win a bar fight:

Chris Christie

You thought he was fat, did you? No, he’s like Kingpin; it’s all muscle. Good luck knocking him down. His size also helps him fight while drunk.

Most likely to survive the apocalypse:

Ben Carson

Carson believes the pyramids were built to store grain. That’s only one step away from thinking they were built by aliens. Carson is prepared, are you?